Swipe Right is our advice column that tackles the tricky world of online dating. This week: how to find a semi-regular hookup – and avoid scary messages
- Got your own online dating quandaries? Send ’em to Eva:
I am 37, a single mom and am looking to find someone, but not a boyfriend. After years of slowly losing my mojo and sexual confidence, I am slowly rediscovering my drives and desires and now want to find someone to explore that with.
I don’t need or want a father figure for my child, and as nice as it would be to have dinner and a drink, that is really as far as I want things to go.
I am looking for a semi-regular hookup with someone I can get to know over time and explore my sexuality, but I am not ready to actually meet someone for the longer term.
You’re already ahead of the game because you are able to articulate what you are looking for. Good for you.
Now, it’s fairly likely that you won’t have trouble finding people who would like to have sex with you if you start meeting some people online
If you have been reading my column for a while, you may have noticed that a common thread is people not knowing what they want, or coming across other people who can’t articulate or communicate their desires, and the awkwardness that ensues. So. This is a great start!
If your tastes run to the kinky, you could also consider investigating in apps and sites that are more open about their focus on sex, such as Fetlife
Some you’ll find repulsive, some you’ll find boring, but if you meet enough new folks it’s bound to happen that you’ll have enough chemistry with someone to want go to bed with them, and vice versa.
But establishing the kind of relationship you’re looking for – consistent sex with one person who you get to know over time, but without the other common components of a committed relationship – may be challenging. I have long believed that the secret to finding a lasting partnership is less about meeting the one but rather about meeting someone who you find attractive and interesting but who also – and this is crucial – wants the same kind of relationship that you do at the same time that you want it.
This can apply to casual relationships as much as serious ones: if you want to explore sex in a mutually respectful but not-very-emotional way, you’ll need to find someone who also wants to do that, too. It’s not impossible, but it may not be as easy as finding someone who’d like to have sex with you once, or even finding someone who wants to have a serious relationship with you.
Being real friends-with-benefits requires the highest level of emotional honesty and communication in order to make the parameters of the relationship clear and avoid hurt feelings. A lot of people, men and women, can’t handle that.
Your point that advertising this on your profile may elicit creepy messages is not an irrelevant one, but I do think for maximum efficiency you should be pretty clear that you are looking for something casual because of your existing commitments.
You don’t want to be disappointed by going on dates with men who are invested in looking for something more serious. You don’t want them to feel like you’re wasting their time. And you do want someone who is very sex-positive. One option is to look for people with similar profiles to yours: that is, if you have in common a lot of family responsibilities, maybe you’ll also have in common an interest in the kind of sex-with-few-strings that you’d like.
Once you do e precautions that you would if you were dating for more romantic reasons: just because sex is your primary motivator doesn’t mean that you should forget about meeting people in public places for the first time, letting a friend know where you are and remembering that going on a date with someone puts you under no obligation to sleep with them. Good luck! I hope you find what you’re looking for.